November 1st, 2012

Subject: Amanda Perkins

Details: 19 years old, barista, Wilmington, Delaware

Following 24 hours of only minor Facebook activity (this entails short statuses and disappointingly un-sexy pics), there is concern that suspect may be preparing a terrorist attack outside her regular work hours. Agents conducted a successful mission to infiltrate suspect’s apartment and retrieve her undergarments to test for explosive residue. Test was inconclusive. Retrieval of another sample is under way. Suspect also sent text message to suspected boyfriend reading “i want the d.” Analysts say “D” may be code for “destructive device”; suspect could be part of a terrorist sleeper cell. Permission to monitor her bed and bathroom is authorized.

October 30th, 2012

Subject: Amanda Perkins

Details: 19 years old, barista, Wilmington, Delaware

9:26am, suspect creates private album on Facebook with pictures from a recent family vacation. Suspiciously bootylicious beach photos may be subject to further examination. Suspect also rumored to be in possession of numerous explosive devices, because she’s totally the bomb. Retrieval of suspect’s phone number is authorized.

March 27th, 2013

Subject: Tamerlan Tsarnaev

Details: 26 years old, unemployed, Boston, Massachusetts

Undisclosed source in Russian intelligence service has alerted NSA agents to a possible terrorist threat regarding Mr. Tsarnaev. Source offers pictures of Tsarnaev in militant training camp and a propaganda video of Tsarnaev swearing allegiance to al-Qaeda as evidence of his terrorism. Disregarding this lead is advisable, as sources in the past have proved to be unreliable. Internment of any subjects claiming to have evidence against Tsarnaev is authorized. Note: subject was recently denied a permit to purchase rifle by ATF background check. ATF refusal is now overruled, and permit for gun is authorized.

June 10th, 2013

Subject: Richard Jarvis

Details: 41 years old, former NSA cryptographer, current technology teacher at St. Francis Middle School, New Springs, Iowa

11:45pm, suspect talks to class about NSA surveillance of electronic communication according to PTA sources. Suspect allegedly said “so just be careful what you put online, because it could come back to get you.” School principal has been contacted and acquired as source. Local police have been inserted in school as substitute teachers. Vulture Squad deployed. Justice Department alerted to investigation of treason by subject Jarvis.

November 3rd, 2012

Subject: Devin McAllister

Details: 15 years old, student at Yearbrook High School, Yearbrook, Illinois

1:31pm, suspect sends text message to undisclosed classmate reading: “lol bored as hell, math is especially retarted 2day. too bad im stuck w/ osama binladen as the friggin teacher. txt me back ;)” Suspect possibly connected to the recent and unsanctioned disclosure of information regarding Operation Neptune Spear. Authorization to detain suspect’s immediate family pending.

January 19th, 2013

Subject: Jonathan Jeerings

Details: 34 years old, assistant to Mayor Jedediah Snowdout, Kabletown, West Virginia

8:02am, suspect sends text message to Mayor Snowdout (contents of message: lol) while leaving his mistress’s house. Suspect indicated intent to run for state senate in email #12645 to mistress - subject line “I think i’m going to do it.” Ground surveillance authorized. Agents are advised to approach suspect and dissuade him against his candidacy.

May 10th, 2012

Subject: Catherine Campbell

Details: 53 years old, 9th grade English teacher, Frankfort, Kentucky

4:08pm, suspect orders 25 copies of the novel 1984 via amazon.com. Classified as inciteful literature. Suspect may be organizing a conspiratiorial book club of some sort. Further investigation and permission to burn down Frankfort Junior High School authorized.

September 29th, 2012

Subject: Miranda Oaks

Details: 45 years old, divorced, Buffalo, NY

11:49pm, suspect calls Papa John’s, orders a large pepperoni pizza. In previous instances of suspect eating pizza, only smaller portions were ordered. Pizza in question is significantly larger than usual. Suspect is possibly conducting secret meeting of terrorist cell. Raid of suspect’s apartment is authorized.

July 3rd, 2012

Subject: David White

Details: 34 years old, Washington, D.C.

12:07pm, suspect leaves work. Suspect walks to nearby sandwich shop, spends 37 minutes observing route of Independence Day parade while eating lunch. Secret search of house is authorized.